What I’m Looking For

Honestly, I don’t even know where to start this letter but I know I want to write it. Maybe as something to give to you in the future. Maybe more as a way to remind myself of what I’m looking for and what I deserve. Writing as a 19 year old girl who likes to pretend she has her whole life together, I’m sure this list will change some as I grow. But, for right now, this is a letter to you.

Dear Future Boyfriend,

Thank you. Thank you for understanding me, challenging me and helping me grow. I’m not looking for someone who is always going to agree with what I’m saying. I’m not looking for someone who only sees me as “that cute little girl.” If you’re the one, I’m sure that we’ve had our fair share of arguments and loud discussions. I’m sure there have been days where I was so mad that I shut you out. But, if you’re still around, you’ve realized that this shutting down is a defense mechanism. It’s a way for me to pretend like I’m not feeling anything because if I deny my feelings, I can’t get hurt. Thank you for being patient during these times and for not letting me push you away.

Thank you for making me laugh. Life is hard and serious and real, but sometimes, even a high strung girl like me needs a break. I see us laughing a lot and even though I tell you that your jokes aren’t funny, they definitely are. Jokes are great, but the best laughter is the type that comes out of a difficult situation. I hope that even when we get lost in the car on a road trip and are fighting over who took the wrong turn, we can both find the time to laugh at our mistakes. I hope that while we are laughing, we are able to still have meaningful conversations.

Thank you for the deep, late night conversations, the mid-day conversations and the early morning conversations. Writing has always been my therapy – the place where I can share my intimate thoughts and feel safe. One day, I hope to find that in a person. I’m looking for someone who I can feel safe opening up to, someone who I can trust. And hopefully, I am this person for you.

Thank you for appreciating my goofy side. I’m the girl who dances around her apartment late at night to her new favorite song just because it makes me feel good. I’m the girl who is sassy and answers back and owns what she says. Hopefully, we’ve found a way to be the weirdest kids ever. But it’s okay, because we have each other.

Thank you for understanding that somedays, I am the kindest person you know. The girl who calls her friends to support them no matter what they are doing. Someone who always says thank you to cashiers, holds the door open and gives everyone the benefit of the doubt. I’ve learned to treat everyone with love and kindness from my past, and I know that you must be pretty similar if we’ve ended up together.

However, thank you for also understanding that somedays, I don’t want to talk to anyone. Somedays, you’ll find me barely breathing, crying and shaking over an exam or having to stand in line at a coffee shop. I won’t be able to greet you with a smile. Instead, tears will fall as I merely cling to you, searching for comfort in your arms. My anxiety is a daily battle. But, if you’re reading this letter, you’ve helped me more than you will ever know. You’ve found a way to calm me, knowing that sometimes hugs are better than words. Thank you for standing by me instead of walking away during these times.

Thank you for supporting me. I’m looking for someone who believes in me, no matter what I decide to do in life. At every turn, you’re standing there, cheering me on and helping my dreams become a reality. You’ll push me and inspire me to become a better version of myself.

Finally, thank you for understanding and falling in love with my quirks. I’m obsessed with iced coffee and I’m sure that you’ve definitely waited in a couple long lines with me when my cravings hit. Thanks for dancing around my apartment with me, for singing at the top of your lungs to my favorite song in the car and for listening to me talk about how vanilla cake and chocolate frosting is the best combination that most bakeries don’t sell.

Most importantly, thank you for being you. I don’t know how I was lucky to enough to find you, but I do know that I don’t want to lose you.

xoxo,

your future girlfriend

 

 

 

 

 

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